What does it feel like to go away for a year and a half and return to the place you left? Well it feels very similar but somehow very different. Berlin may have more or less stayed the same, but I’ve obvously changed so my interpretation of this situation is somewhat different to how I may have looked at things in December 2014.
Maybe just a defferent perspective? Well no, the very essence of my being has changed inside and it’s not just how I look at things but rather how I feel and basically live and breath. I now understand that the moment sometime at the beginning of October 2014 was where I basically opened a box inside me and the box just can’t be closed and ignored. Everything from my career, my emotions and my outlook on life changed that day. Maybe at the time I was being naive and didn’t pay too much attention, but now I know that there was a momonteous shift, an awakening of sorts instilled in this day.
Now let’s not be too hasty here. I’m not going to tell you that now a croissant tastes differently now compared to before, but some things have changed in my mind and not all for the worse. Previously I was happy enough just sort of cruising along with the flow and not really paying too much attention to my role in society or on this planet in general. Now I somehow feel like I should leave a legacy. Some sort of footprint and not just some old videos of a 21 year old me making fart noises on youtube, or giving a “cock workshop“. Something more like a responsibility to do good or make the world even just a little better. Maybe I just discovered a dormant confidence within myself. Maybe my previous acceptance of some glaring average things in my life, has been replaced by a hunger and a desire for something a little closer to 100%.
How can I achieve this you may ask? I simply don’t know, but I’m fairly convinced that it doesn’t involve constantly optimising some mico processes in a company somewhere, or inventing a new flavour of healty ice-cream, which may have a little less sugar in it compared to Ben and Jerrys! Somehow, somewhere I’m sure my skill set can be put to better use and I can sleep a bit sounder at night not having to worry about whether somebody deployed some update on a Friday that caused the site to be offline for the weekend.
Sometimes you need to take a step back and take a look at things in their entirity. I’m still not at that point just yet, but I feel like I’ve maybe taken half a step back and can see things a bit clearer. One thing I know for sure – sometimes you just gotta put your hands up in the air and say: “I’ve got it pretty good!”